How it Really Started!
by Grande Dutchess- Kouseki
Summary: Why Sephiroth really wants to kill Cloud! Oneshot


**Why it really started! (One-shot)**

**Kouseki: Hey ppls, I know I'm slackin off, but this fic had to be done, co-written with my pot-head friend, Spirt1002(it's Russian...or so he says) **

**Spirt1002: We were high lol :-)**

**Kouseki: retard, anyway, enjoy!**

**>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>**

**Cloud: Why the Hell are you so mad at me. you long-haired freak!**

**Sephiroth: You know why!**

**Cloud: Well, no not really... was it the time I beat you in Sonic?**

**Sephiroth: No! You _know_... -Sephiroth pulls out Masamune-**

**Cloud: -Thinks for a while, sitting on a rock-**

**Sephiroth: -2 hours later- Cloud, eh Cloud? -pokes him with hilt of Masamune-**

**Cloud: -Falls off rock and face plants in dirt while drooling- But Mamma, I wanted the pink bunny...**

**Sephiroth: Hey, Cloud ...CLOUD! -smacks Cloud repeatedly-**

**Cloud: -SMACK- -snorts- What? -SMACK- OW! -SLAP- HEY! -CRACK- I'm AWAKE! -SLAP-**

**Sephiroth: Do you know_ now_?**

**Cloud: Who? The Mufiin Man? Don't slap me so hard next time!**

**Sephiroth: ...?**

**Cloud: What? Stop looking at me like that! ...What were we talking about again?**

**Sephiroth: What you did to make me mad through all of these years!**

**Flashback**

**Cloud: Hey wait... what the Hell happened to the background? It's all... hazy...**

**Sephiroth: Shut up and watch it!**

**Cloud: Watch what? That hazy stuff?**

**Sephiroth: -right eye twitches- No... -grips masamune and refrains from killing Cloud- The Flashback!**

**Cloud: What's that?**

**Sephiroth: Shut up and watch... -left eye twitches-... before I kill you...**

**Cloud: -flinches- Yes sir... -pulls chair from out of nowhere and sits on it-**

**Sephiroth: Where'd you get that chair? I want one, my feet kinda hurt and all...**

**Cloud: Well I kinda pulled it out of nowhere...**

**Sephiroth: Get me one now, or I'll kill you! -places masamune at Cloud's throat-**

**Cloud: Eep! -pulls out another chair out of nowhere... again..-.**

**Sephiroth: Good boy... -pats on head- **

**Continue Flashback (YAY!)**

**F-Sephiroth: -in the kitchen making donuts, hears the doorbell ring, so he places hand on stove to stand but realizes his mistake too late...- OW! WHAT THE-! I'll KILL-! CRAP! AH! MY HAND!**

**F-: HEY SEPH! YOU IN THERE?**

**F-Sephiroth: -Continues cursing and yelling and wanting to kill the person who is at the door.-**

**F-: Seph...? Oh hey, the door's open... I'm coming in!**

**F-Sephiroth: -turns around and watches in horror as his door opens to reveal--**

**Cloud: Hey wait... who's that?**

**Sephiroth:... I... don't...really... know...**

**?2: That's the biggest donut... I've ever seen...**

**Cloud: Um... who are you?**

**?2: Huh? Oh. -whipes drool off chin- I am... -turns and stands in soldier-like pose- ...Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Xiuxraboheres Gumbigobella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George... Doitzel Kaiser the Third. Don't hesitate to call.**

**Sephiroth: -just stares-**

**Cloud: -blinks-**

**Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Xiuxraboheres Gumbigobella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser the Third: What? Never heard of me before?**

**Sephiroth: -starts to draw Masamune-**

**Cloud: Hey, I think I know you- you're Vash The Stampede!**

**Sephiroth: -pauses in pulling out the sword-**

**Vash: I hate it when people call me by my real name!**

**Sephiroth: -right eyebrow twitches- I don't really care who the Hell you are, but get your ass out of here!**

**Vash: Make me!**

**Sephiroth:- vein pops- Fine! -pulls out a donut and whistles- Here boy! Go fetch! -throws it out the seventh story window- **

**Vash: DONUT! -chases and jumps out of window, failing to notice it is several stories high-**

**Sephiroth: Wait a minute... where'd that window come from? Are we really that high? How the Hell did we get into a building?**

**Cloud: I dunno, I just go with the flow you know. Hey, where's the window?**

**Sephiroth: -turns head to look at the window-...where it was...before... Wh-where's the window? That's not possible!**

**Cloud: I don't really know or care, can we get back to the movie?**

**Sephiroth: It's a flashback.**

**Cloud: Whatever! Just get on with it!**

**Flashback Attempt three**

**F-Sephiroth: -turns around and watches in horror as his door opens to reveal Cloud-**

**F-Cloud: Hey Seph, whatcha doin'?**

**F-Sephiroth: -Glares and blows on hand-**

**F-Cloud: Well... anyway, can I borrow some shampoo?**

**F-Sephiroth: Well... yeah, but don't take the-**

**Cloud: INTERMISSION!**

**Sephiroth: What the-! You can't have intermission when you're remembering a flashback! **

**Cloud: Yeah, yeah whatever... I'll be back -gets up and walks away from the frozen flashback and to the back of the movie theater...thingy...-**

**Sephiroth: What-? Hey! Where are you going?**

**Cloud: To go get something to eat, I'm hungry -pushes open invisible door and steps through, bright light shining in and everything-**

**Sephiroth: What the f-!**

**Cloud: -gets lots of expensive movie crap, and goes back to the door of the theater, only to be stopped by everyone's worst nightmare-**

**?3: Ticket please. -holds out hand-**

**Cloud: What? I just came out of there! You can't just-**

**Ticket Stub Guy: I'm sorry sir, but I need you to show me your ticket stub. No exceptions.**

**Cloud: -Tries to pulls out Buster Sword, but fails... too much expensive movie crap in his arms- Um... if you'll just let me reach into my pocket... I'll get it for you...**

**Ticket Stub Guy: -Somehow does NOT see the HUGE sword that Cloud is so obviously trying to reach- Okay sir, take your time, I'll be here all night.**

**Sephiroth: -Bashes through theater wall with Masamune and slices the Ticket Stub Guy's head off- CLOUD! GET YOUR RETARDED ASS IN HERE, NOW!**

**Ticket Stub Guy: -In his dying breath- Must... see... your... tickets... -death rattle- ...now... -dies-**

**Cloud: Thanks Seph, you saved me! Want some popcorn?**

**Sephiroth: Maybe later, now get your ass in here and watch the flashback! -pokes him in the stomach from Masamune length-**

**Cloud: -Whimpers- yes sir...**

**Sephiroth: Good, now gimme that soda!**

**Flashback attempt 4**

**F-Sephiroth: Well... yeah, but don't take the Herbal Esscence Shampoo. -moves back into the kitchen-**

**F-Cloud: Thanks man -starts whistling and walking into the living room while closing the door-**

**F-Sephiroth: -glares at the faucet and the cold water that runs on his hand-**

**F-Cloud: -still whistling, but not watching where he's going so he trips over a stool and hits his head on the edge of the table with a loud 'thunk'-**

**F-Sephiroth: -looks over from the faucet- What was that?**

**F-Cloud: -rubs head and gets up like nothing happened- Ow... nothing.**

**F-Sephiroth: -glares at the living room- better be nothing...**

**F-Cloud: -FINALLY reaches the bathroom- What the Hell! -Sees horendous ammount of shampoo bottles, leading him to forget the one he was not supposed to take-**

**F-Sephiroth: -pulls hand from under faucet and examines it, before shrugging and placing it under, humming as he stared at his batch of finished donuts-**

**F-Cloud: Didn't he say something about, not taking a certain one... or something...? -he picked up the Herbal Essences out of the Suave and many others-**

**F-Sephiroth: -starts to sweat, his craving for donuts becoming unbearable- grr...**

**F-Cloud: -shrugs and walks out- Bye, Seph, thanks for the shampoo.**

**F-Sephiroth: -attention is focused on the donuts and does not notice which shampoo- he took Yea whatever, bye.**

**F-Cloud:- walks out and closes the door-**

**F-Sephiroth: -After a few more minutes of donut craving, Sephiroth finally turns off the tap and dives head first into the pile of donuts on the table-**

**Phone: Ring ring ringidy ding...? ring...**

**F-Sephiroth: -turns with mouthful and handfuls of donuts and glares- Mmff Mm.**

**Phone: Ring riiiiiiiiiiiiiing ringy ring rin--stops as it senses Sephiroth's glare-**

**F-Sephiroth: -Drops the donuts and goes to the sink to wash his hands but the phone starts to ring again-Grrr...**

**Phone: Ring ring ring-a-ding ding...ding?**

**F-Sephiroth: I need to get an answering-machine picks up the phone Hello?...**

**?4: SEPHY! HI! I LOVE YOU! HOW ARE YOU DOING! **

**F-Sephiroth: Umm...How the hell did you get my phone number- -dramatic pause- YUFFIE! -runs hand along one bang and contemplates killing Yuffie-**

**F-Yuffie: Well... um... I kinda... kidnapped Cloud and tortured him into telling me it...**

**F-Sephiroth: Cloud? -runs hand through the rest of his hair in annoyance- I'll kill him... after I kill you...**

**F-Yuffie: OMG! I JUST GOT DEATH-THREATENED BY SEPHIROTH! -Squeals all girly like-**

**Cloud: Dude, is that why your made at me, cause I gave that bimbo Yuffie your phone number? -munches on cheese fries-**

**Sephiroth: No you idiot! sips soda Watch more! thinks for a sec while sipping on the bendy straw And yea, I will kill you for that too.**

**Cloud: Wah!**

**F-Sephiroth: DIE YOU IMPUDENT WENCH! -Hangs up phone and runs fingers through his hair in frustration, and then notices something small falls to the floor- What the-? -on closer inspection, finds it to be a single donut crumb- Donut... Crumb...?- eyes widen and he bolts for the bathroom- Oh... Hell no... -Stares at his reflection in abject horror as he sees millions of little brown objects in his long luxiorious silky silver hair- How did...- Yuffie dies... after I wash my hair -Reaches for his prized bottle of herbal essences and stops- What! Where is it! -Knocks over Suave, White Rain, Head and Shoulders, Pantine Pro-V and many others as he searches in vaine for a bottle of his beloved shampoo-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- Catches breath -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -racks his brain as he tries to remember who the Hell would take his favorite shampoo of all time- CLOUD!**

**-End Flashback-**

**Cloud: -Sits all still-like in his chair- that was it... after all this time... you hated me over a stupid bottle of shampoo!**

**Sephiroth: -twitches- it... -twitches- was...-twitches- not...-twitches- a...-twitches- stupid...-twitches- bottle...-twitches- of...-twitches- SHAMPOO!**

**Cloud: -Backs away slowly- S-so-sorry.**

**Sephiroth: That's not all that happened that grim day a -tear rolls down his cheek-**

**Cloud: Not another one!**

**Sephiroth: Yes! Now shut up and watch, or I'll kill you faster!**

**Cloud:.../.../.../.../...?**

**-Flashback 2-**

**F-Sephiroth: -At the front of Cloud's home in a hoodie he rings Cloud's door bell and a man answers with short blond hair- Old man, is that bast- I mean, Cloud home, I gotta ask him something...**

**F-Cid: -scratches head- Well, yea, but hey Sephiroth, why do you have on that there hoodie?**

**F-Sephiroth: Well -cough- bad hair day you see...-Starts to sweat- can you just get Cloud?**

**F-Cid: Well, whatever... hang on a sec. -goes into the house for a few minutes-**

**F-Cloud: OW! That hurt old man! Hey! Watch the wing! -Cloud bursts out of the room holding a smoking wing to his chest- aw... It took me twelve payments to get this installed...**

**F-Sephiroth: -Right eye twitches- Cloud... do you realize what you have done?**

**F-Cloud: -looks up- Oh hey, Seph, whatcha doin' here? Oh and that shampoo works great! -flaps wing and hits the back of his head- OW!**

**F-Sephiroth: -snickers- Whatever, I want my shampoo back!**

**F-Cloud: Your shampoo? -scratches head- But...**

**F-Sephiroth: -glares- But what?**

**F-Cloud: -in a small teeny-tiny voice- Um... I kinda used it...all...**

**F-Sephiroth: -Silence, blinks- WHAT! BUY ME A NEW ONE RIGHT NOW! -pulls out Masamune from nowhere-**

**F-Cloud: -has forgotten his Buster Sword and cowers- yes master.**

**F-Sephiroth: -drags Cloud by the collar whom is waving and crying goodbye to his father and travels to many stores because the factory closed down and they were all out of stock only to find only one store selling that long saught after bottle, but there were two reasons why he didn't want to go into that store- Why...?**

**F-Cloud: -looks up at Sephiroth- Why what? **

**F-Sephiroth: -points to the store window- That's why!**

**F-Cloud: Huh? -looks at the window and feels his jaw hit the floor, the price for the extra-rare super deluxe limited edition version of Herbal Essences Strawberry and Cream version has been buffed up to 9,999,999 gil because it is the last bottle and the only one ever made- Holy-! DUDE! How're you gonna get that?**

**F-Sephiroth: You're gonna get it -smirks all smug-like-**

**F-Cloud: -blinks several times, pales, then faints-**

**F-Sephiroth: -Sighs and pulls out masamune- either this, of I kill you now, I already have to kill you because of Yuffie.**

**F-Cloud: -Miraculously recovers quickly- Well, yea, I'm sure I can get a loan from my dad, so into the store we go! What are you waiting for? Get a move on!**

**F-Sephiroth: -Bow- Ladies first**

**F-Cloud: Why thank you- hey!**

**F-Sephiroth: Whatever, just get in there! -pokes him from masamune length again-**

**F-Cloud: Ow! Okay whatever, just stop poking me with that! -Walks into the store and looks for the clerk, only to find a certain silver-haired male-**

**?5: Welcome to the completely useless store, how may I help y-? Oh, hey guys, what do you want? -flips hair all girly-like-**

**F-Sephiroth: Cloud wants that bottle of Herbal Essences, Kadaj.**

**F-Kadaj: Really? Ok, hang on a sec -goes into the back room for exactky a second and comes back with a shiney new bottle of shampoo- Here you are guys, Cloud that'll be 10,000,987 gil...-Stares at bottle-**

**F-Cloud: Yea, yea...-Stares at bottle-**

**F-Sephiroth: Hurry it up, I don't have all day.**

**F-Super Rare Limited edition bottle of herbal essences (strawberries and creame): HEY GUYS! COME PLAY WITH ME!**

**F-Kadaj: Okay -tosses it to Cloud-**

**F-Cloud: -tosses it back to Kadaj-**

**F-Sephiroth: Hey, stop that!**

**F-Kadaj: -tosses it back to Cloud-**

**F-Cloud: -slips through his fingers and smashes on the floor-**

**F-Super Rare Limited edition bottle of herbal essences (strawberries and creame): -In his dying voice- Ah... you... idiots... I... shoulda...never...had...that...w...ee...d..-.death rattle, dies-**

**F-Sephiroth: -bends down and picks up the dead bottle, cradling it to his chest with tears falling down his cheeks- Porqueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? -runs out of store in distress, not before slipping on the oozing shampoo contents-**

**-End Flashback-**

**Sephiroth: -back out side again- That is why you must die!**

**Cloud: How did we get outside?**

**Sephiroth: Who cares? You must DIE! -just then Yuffie comes out of the bushes and comes at Sephiroth with scissors-**

**Yuffie: Yes I got your hair now -tries to cut Sephiroth's long bang but the scissors bend back- W-what?**

**Sephiroth: I use a new shampoo _Herbal Essences wih special breakage protection_! Take that B&! -Then kicks her really far away, also just after he kicked her a bunch of girls carry Sephiroth away- I'll be back Cloud in the next fic!**

**Cloud: Okay, see ya there**

**Kadaj:- Munching on popcorn- Hm... This is good popcorn...**

**>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>**

**Spirt1002: Why did you call me a retard? I will destroy you!**

**Kouseki: Hm... jello!**

**Spirt1002: While we eat jello we will start our new fic**

**Kouseki: Ciao!**


End file.
